I’m thinking the side of the milk carton will read something like this:  Missing: A very pretty 37-year-old mother of two… Last seen with a copy of Eclipse.  If found, please return her to her husband. He promises to never go through his fantasy football draft during dinner again. He won’t ever try to rationalize the benefits of video games with the computer widow watching from afar.

I have to say I never saw this coming. One minute, she was a blur, working as our Children’s Minister at Church… cleaning the house… helping kids with homework.  Now she’s missing, buried under a blanket on the couch.  It’s forced me to think of several ruses to get her to snap out of it.  For instance…

“Hey honey, Scarlett Johansson is here to take me out to dinner. We should be home before 11 p.m.”

Or

“The kids are playing with Silly String in our bedroom, and I can’t stop them because I’m trying to finish my message for Sunday.”

But… to no avail.

Over the past three week I have become a book widower. My wife is addicted to the works of Stephanie Meyer and her Twilight series.   I’m finding that this is now a reading plague and it has infected many of my wife’s friends and women in my church…thus creating dozens of other book widowers. 

(MEN… IF YOU ARE ONE OF THESE UNFORTUNATE WIDOWERS… I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU… MAYBE WE CAN FORM A SUPPORT GROUP?)

Stacie began reading these books while I was completing 14 straight days of evening meetings. You know the saying, “When the cat’s away…”  but the “cat” has returned and he wants his wife back!

To make matters worse…  just a little while ago… my wife told me that she knew what we could do on Monday (our day off together)… "we could watch the movie!"   First the books and now the movie??  Damn you Stephanie Meyer! How dare you take away the mother of my children… my bride of 15 years!

For those of you guys who are unfamiliar with Stephenie Meyer, she is a 34-year old stay-at-home mom that decided a few years back to write a book about teen-aged vampires called Twilight.  Before long this first book rocketed to the top of the NY Times Best Seller list. New Moon and Eclipse soon followed and they were both best sellers as well. 

Now I do not have any problems with my wife reading… I suffered through the Harry Potter craze just a couple years ago… but men if your wife/girlfriend is reading these Twilight books you should be concerned for two reason:

1. Edward.
2. Jacob.

Or, as I like to call them, Jerk Face #1 and Jerk Face #2.  Edward is Bella's deep, intense, passionate boyfriend. Jacob is the funny, charismatic, forgiving friend who would do anything to make Bella his. They both possess magical powers that are far superior to any of the sweet lines the rest of us guys learned in the 80’s (except for maybe trying to sing “you lost that lovin’ feeling” like Tom Cruz in Top Gun… that one is still a classic).  In other words, both Edward and Jacob are much, much more interesting than any of the husbands or boyfriends of the women who read the Twilight books.

Men… we should be very, very concerned.   By my estimation… approximately 92% of women who read these books wish their husbands/boyfriends were more like Edward or Jacob in some way.

The other 8% have a crush on either Jack, Sayeed, or Sawyer from Lost. If your wife/girlfriend reveals that she has a crush on either Sawyer or Sayeed, you’re in pretty good shape. It is highly unlikely that she will ever meet a surly con artist or a former Iraqi Republican Guard torture expert… let alone be swept off of her feet by them. But if your girl has the hots for Jack, be very, very afraid. There are a lot of divorced, desperate 30-something doctors out there trolling outside of Bath and Body Works looking for vulnerable women whose husband/boyfriend just did something incredibly stupid and insensitive, such as forgetting that today marked the 1,000th day since your first date.

Since most women would like their men to adopt at least a few of the Edward/Jacob qualities, I'll lend a hand to my helpless male readers who have not yet read the books but would like to make it sound like they have. If you ever find yourself in any of the situations below and your wife/girlfriend is a Twilight fan, the following quotes will be pure gold:

(LADIES: PLEASE HELP US OUT AND POST COMMENTS TO LET US KNOW WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING QUOTES YOU LIKE THE BEST)

-If she thinks that you drive too recklessly: "Honey, please trust me as much as Bella trusted Edward when he had to break all known traffic laws to get her out of Forks and away from Victoria. If he can drive Bella's pickup truck that recklessly, then I should be able to steer with my knees while texting with my right hand and using my left hand to hold my Slurpee."

-If she ever says on a very warm day:  "I feel so hot right now" you should respond with, "My body always feels hot to the touch....kind of like Jacob's."  You can then raise your eyebrows like Magnum P.I., flex your pecks (to the best of your ability), and put your arm around her.

-If she ever says on a very cold day:  "I feel so cold right now" you should respond with, "My body always feels cold to the touch....kind of like Edward's."  You can then raise your eyebrows like Magnum P.I., flex your pecks (to best of your ability), and put your arm around her.

-If she is insecure about her looks and repeatedly asks you if she is pretty, stroke her hair and gently say:  "Sweetheart, you always look beautiful...in a Bella sort of way." Note: After using this line it may take a while for the bruising to heal.

-On your next anniversary, write the following in your card:   "I am eternally grateful to know that we can be together forever. I am even more grateful that I did not have to sink my vampire teeth into your neck and suck out all of your blood to make it happen." Believe me, she'll dig that one.

-After numbing your lips by sucking on a Popsicle, ask her:  "Have you ever wondered what it feels like to kiss Edward?" Note: She will be utterly helpless when you close your eyes and lean toward her.

Well, guys, there you have it. Be sure to check the comments to see which of the quotes will score the most points with your wife or girlfriend. In the meantime, do everything possible to act like an undead vampire and/or a teenage werewolf while keeping the love of your life away from Jack from Lost.  If women only knew how hard it is to be an ordinary man with no supernatural abilities! 

Has anyone seen my wife?